VoGlo
VoGlo Productions and Publications

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STUD MANLY!

Stud Manly considers himself to be a Public-Access-Television Star, a self-help guru, a world-class motivational speaker, and author of life-changing self-help books. A poet and prosisist. A funny and hilarious comic. And an important film-maker, important film-star, and important film critic. There is nothing Stud Manly can't do!!!

  • STUD MANLY PRODUCTS COMING SOON:
  • Stud Manly's self-help book "THE ART OF CONFORMITY (how I transformed myself from the loser that I was into the winner that I am)"
  • Stud Manly's self-help book "HOW YOU CAN BECOME A LADY'S MAN LIKE ME."
  • Stud Manly's board game "The Brown-Nosing/Back-Stabbing Board Game."
  • Stud Manly's board game, "Pickin' Up Babes."
  • Stud Manly action figures, and sexy Stud Manly pictoral calenders also coming soon!!! PUT YOUR ORDERS IN NOW!!!

If you are interested in hiring Stud Manly as a stand-up comic, writer, director, actor, performance-artist, public-speaker, spokesman, or CEO of your company - please contact us with your offer at: vo_glo@hotmail.com

STUD MANLY SHORT STORIES:

(feel free to read the below stories)

Table of Contents: (in semi-backwards order) 

18. DIFFERENCES & SAMENESS
17. PACO TACO & PUPUSA PETE
16. MR. FUNNY-MAN SAVES THE WORLD FROM RAPE AND RACISM
15. ART IS ALL AROUND US, EVEN ON OUR SHOES
14. DOMINANT LESBIANS IN LOVE
13. THE FORESKIN OF LIFE
12. THE TENEBROUS JOURNEY OF PINKY THE PEANUT
11. STUD MANLY HIRES A MUMMY
10. STUD MANLY SAVES A QUADRIPLEGIC CHILD
9. MEN HAVE PENISES
8. CAMEL TOE
7. ORGY AT MIKE'S HOUSE
6. THE TREE, THE HIPPY, AND THE CONDOR
5. THE MONSTER WHO WORE ADULT DIAPERS
4. ADDICTED TO MATH
3. THE GIRL WITH LONG SKINNY FEET
2. JOHN (the inbred cousin of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer)
1. OVERDUE (a frightening Halloween tale)

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18. Differences & Sameness
by Stud Manly

Astronaut Joe quit his job at the Earth Division of the Intergalactic Space Federation to go into business for himself. He purchased a used cargo spaceship, and began selling and distributing premium Kentucky Bourbon Whiskeys to bars and clubs in galaxies throughout the entire universe. His business began to turn a profit after a only a few months. But after a few more months he began to realize he was very lonely.

One evening while making a sales call to a trendy swinger’s club on a planet he’d never been to before, called Transopia, he found himself flirting with a Transopian named Lisa.

Lisa had very soft skin and a shapely figure (like an Earth woman). Transopians have a lot in common with Earthlings. But Transopians are also unlike Earthlings. For instance, Transopians rarely have two eyeballs. They are more likely to have at least three or four eyeballs. Lisa had three beautiful blue eyes, which Astronaut Joe noticed immediately. He also noticed Lisa’s four enticing breasts. Two on the front/two on the back. A few days later, Astronaut Joe and Lisa were married.

Problems started on their wedding night. After removing Lisa’s wedding dress, and discovering three snake-like penises (companioned with three hairy scrotums), Astronaut Joe accused his new wife of withholding information.

“I realize, now, that I probably should have informed you about all my genitalia before we got married,” Lisa apologized. “But I just assumed a mutli-worldly traveler such as yourself knew that Transopian women have at least two or three lengthy penises, accompanied by various sized scrotum bags. It's quite normal.”

Lisa insisted that she was 100% woman, and then bragged to her new husband about her two hairy, but sexy and feminine vaginas, “Each different in their own way - providing you variety as well as guilt-free-monogamy all at once.”

But Astronaut Joe became even more distrusting of his new wife when he discovered that her two vaginas were located in the same general area that an Earth woman’s anus would be located. Furthermore, neither vagina was self-lubricating; and they both looked and smelled like ass.

Lisa moved onto the cargo spaceship with her new husband. She helped out with the business, kept the ship clean, and cooked; she made the spaceship a home. Just her and her man; she was very happy with married life.

Astronaut Joe did his best. He wanted to be a good husband. His mother always told him it takes a lot of understanding and hard work to make a marriage work. At night, while he tried to sleep, Lisa’s penises would force their way into his mouth.

One day, many months after their wedding, Astronaut Joe dropped Lisa off at a beauty parlor while he made a whiskey delivery. He never came back.

Blaming her three snake-like penises on her failed marriage, Lisa sliced them off with a butcher knife.

While recovering in the hospital, Lisa met a man from her home planet. His name was Gyazk. He just happened to be visiting his sick mother. Gyazk took an immediate liking to Lisa. Lisa could tell he had lots of money. She couldn’t help but notice his four sexy brown eyes, but she didn’t feel like she was ready for another relationship at the time. (But she also saw no reason why she should tell Gyazk the reason she was in the hospital.)

Every day, for months after being released from the hospital, Lisa received flowers and candy and love letters from Gyazk. Eventually Lisa decided to give love another chance, and after the Transopian courts granted her a divorce - she married Gyazk..

On their wedding night Lisa discovered that her new husband possessed two self-lubricating penises. (Perfect for her two non-lubricating vaginas.) But Gyazk also had three vaginas. He couldn’t hide his disappointment when he’d discovered there were only ugly scars where Lisa’s three penises and scrotum bags used to be. Gyazk accused Lisa of withholding information.

Gyazk did his best. He still loved Lisa. His two penises were perfect matches for her two vaginas. But his own vaginas longed for what Lisa had deprived him of. His resentment eventually drove him to other lovers.

Desperate not to lose another husband, Lisa took a class called Male-Vagina-Licking 101. She got so good at licking all three of her husband’s hairy clitorises - he no longer needed to find lovers to satisfy his G-Spots.

And this time Lisa remained married until death did them part.

....THE END OF THIS STORY!!!

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17. Paco Taco & Pupusa Pete
by Stud Manly

Paco Taco was a ground-beef taco from Mexico. He was the sum of many parts. The taco shell was made by a little woman named Juanita (who’s husband never worked, and drank tequila all day). The cilantro, tomatoes, lettuce, jalapeno peppers, and onions were bartered from street vendors. The beef came from a cow named Cecilia (who’d been slaughtered the day before).

Today was the day of the big soccer game. Mexico vs. El Salvador. This was the day Paco Taco was to be eaten by a nameless and hedonistic soccer fan.

Pupusa Pete was a pork and cheese pupusa from El Salvador. He was carried all the way from El Salvador to Mexico (for the big soccer game) in a dirty pupusa bucket, by a mentally-challenged midget named Julio Marullio Pajulio Sanchez. Pupusa Pete was also meant to be eaten by a nameless, hedonistic soccer fan on this day........ But fate has it’s own destiny.

The game had started. Both Paco Taco and Pupusa Pete were in the process of being sold to hedonistic soccer fans, to be devoured without remorse. But then something happened on the soccer field. A Salvadorian player purposely kicked a Mexican player on the shin. Then, quickly (in a matter of seconds) a fight between two soccer players became a war between two countries. The stadium was full of Salvadorians and Mexicans chopping each other up with machetes.

In the midst of all the chaos - Pupusa Pete made his escape. Away from the snack bar, and then out of the stadium - he ran as fast as he could for the American border. “In America I won’t have to worry about unnecessary wars, or being eaten by hedonistic soccer fans.” Everything was going just fine until he found himself standing on the bank of the river known as The Rio Grande.

“Oh no. I don’t know how to swim,” said Pupusa Pete out loud to himself.

And then Pupusa Pete heard a voice from behind him say, “I can help you.”

When Pupusa Pete turned around - there stood Paco Taco (who had also escaped from being eaten at the soccer game). Paco Taco then said, “All Mexicans know how to swim The Rio Grande. I can carry you on my back.”

“But aren’t we supposed to be enemies?” asked Pupusa Pete.

Paco Taco answered. “Once we cross this river - we will no longer be Mexican, or Salvadoran. We will both be American.”

And Pupusa Pete hopped on Paco Taco’s back, and they crossed the Rio Grande River to America. To make light of the moment, Pupusa Pete started kidding around with Paco Taco - about his being filled with ground-beef. And in return, Paco kidded around with Pete for being filled with pork and cheese, and how he looked like a fried bean bag. They laughed so hard from their kidding around with each other you wouldn’t believe it. And at that moment they decided that not only would they cross the border together - they would also be best friends for the rest of their lives.

A few hours later they realized that they had not eaten in a long time, and decided on a trendy Italian restaurant, to share a plate of spaghetti with meatballs. Just as they were about to stab their food with their forks - The Plate of Spaghetti yelled out, “Hey, don’t eat me! Please don’t! I have so much I want to do with my life. Like, I want to get out of the city. I want to move to Montana. Montana is supposed to be a beautiful and unpopulated state where a man can rent or buy a house at a good price, and pee in his own backyard if he so chooses.”

Paco Taco and Pupusa Pete felt bad for wanting to eat The Plate of Spaghetti, and decided they should all become friends. Paco and Pete also decided they would move to Montana with The Plate of Spaghetti, and that all three of them would rent a house together; in a unpopulated area where they could go pee-pee in their own backyard, and play their music as loud as they wanted.

On their way to the bus station (to catch a bus to Montana) - they noticed a lonely half-eaten hamburger who was trying to commit suicide (by hanging himself with dental floss from a street lamp). “Don’t kill yourself,” all three of them pleaded. “Why don’t you move to Montana with us. The three of us are going to live together in a nice house in an unpopulated area.”

The Half-eaten Hamburger began to cry, “What good is living in a nice house in Montana if I can never find a wife to make it a home. Nobody wants to marry half-eaten hamburger.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” retorted The Plate of Spaghetti. “Anybody can find a spouse on the internet these days. Even a lonely half-eaten hamburger.”

So they all four moved to Montana, and eventually bought a nice house together in an unpopulated area where no neighbor would complain about their music or peeing. All four of them remained best friends for the rest of their lives. And, yes, they all found wives with the help of computer dating services. Two of them married pizza slices (one with extra cheese), one of them married a powdered donut, and one of them married a can of tuna fish named Mildred. And they all started their own families. The American Dream.

THE BALLAD OF PACO TACO AND PUPUSA PETE

Paco Taco and Papusa Pete
two better friends - you will never meet

they remained uneaten their entire lives
both started families, after marrying wives

they’re no longer with us, but their bloodlines stay
and their indomitable spirit remains to this day


... THE END OF THIS STORY!!!

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16. MR. FUNNY-MAN SAVES THE WORLD FROM RAPE & RACISM
by Stud Manly

Our story begins on the most famous graduation day ever at Professor Beano’s Comedy School of Love. The graduating class was singing the school song:

Funny, funny, funny
so, so funny
toss me the football
show me the money

Hey, Sailor Joe!
No money/no honey
long time/short time
it’s so funny!

Funny, funny, funny
so, so funny
Be funny and hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then all the graduating students threw their graduation caps into the air.

You might be wondering what made this graduation day more special than the rest. Well, the reason it was so special is because this was the day Stud Manly graduated as Valedictorian of Professor Beano’s Comedy School of Love, and was given the prestigious title of Mr. Funny-Man.

“I am so proud of you for graduating Valedictorian, and being awarded the title of Mr. Funny-Man,” Professor Beano told Mr. Funny-Man.

“Thank you,” Mr. Funny-Man replied proudly.

Professor Beano suddenly looked very sad, and extremely serious, “But now I’m afraid I have some bad news to tell you. I was just informed that your entire family was brutally raped and slaughtered by The International Coalition of Rape and Racism.”

Understandably, Mr. Funny-Man had a hard time controlling his emotions when he first heard this horrible news. “Oh my God, Lord Jesus, No! No! It can’t be true! Not like this! No! No! No!” But he quickly regained his composure, knowing that his family would have wanted him to be strong, and continue on with his own his life.

“What do you plan to do now?” Professor Beano asked Mr. Funny-Man. “Seek vengeance on every single member of the International Coalition of Rape and Racism?” testing Mr. Funny-Man one last time.

“No,” Mr. Funny-Man replied. “I’m going to make them laugh.”

Professor Beano was very impressed. “You’ve learned well, Mr. Funny-Man. That means you’re ready for this.” And Professor Beano pulled something out of his magical clown bag, and presented it to Mr. Funny-Man.

“What is this?” Mr. Funny-Man asked.

“It is The Magical Red Clown Nose Of Love and Laughter. Just put it on, squeeze it three times, and then say these three simple (yet magical) words, three times, ‘MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,’ ‘MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,’ ‘MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,’ and The Spirit of Love and Laughter will take you anywhere it needs you to go.”

And at that - Mr. Funny-Man squeezed the magical red clown nose three times, and said, “Make people laugh,” three times. And then, suddenly, (in the blink of an eye) he found himself on the Greek/Albanian border in the middle of a hot and chaotic day. Thousands of people were taking turns raping each other with semi-flaccid erections; and calling each other racist names, and throwing petrified goat testicles at each other.

Mr. Funny-Man didn’t waste a second of time; wearing his red clown nose, he levitated himself 100 feet into the air, and then went into his very best Anti-Rape & Anti-Racism Comedy Routine.

Seconds later - all the people who were raping and being raped by each other were now laughing hysterically with their arms around each other. All those semi-flaccid erections had gone completely soft with the spirit of love and laughter. And no longer were people calling each other racist names, or throwing petrified goat testicles at each other either. Instead, they were all laughing together. Laughing and laughing and laughing. And when Mr. Funny-Man had finished his set - all those rapists and racists were apologizing to each other, and exchanging phone numbers, and kissing each other on both cheeks.

In this large crowd was a half-man/half-goat, wearing a stained wife-beater t-shirt, but no pants or underwear (exposing his gargantuan goat testicles). Mr. Funny-Man noticed that the half-man/half-goat had been laughing harder than anyone in the crowd. Instinctively he floated over to him. “I’m glad you enjoyed my set. I am Mr. Funny-Man.”

“It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. Funny-Man. As you have probably already deducted, I am The Leader of The International Coalition of Rape and Racism. Or should I say, I used to be, until your comedy changed my views on raping and racism. You see, my father was an uneducated Greek, from Greece, and my mother was a sexually abused goat from Albania. One night my father was drunk of ouzo, and stumbled into my mother’s barn, and raped her with a semi-flaccid erection. And I am the result. Neither my mother or father wanted anything to do with me. And neither the Greek or Albanian school systems wanted to educate a bastard half-Greek/half-Albanian with no pants and gargantuan testicles. So I started the International Coalition of Rape and Racism to get even with the world.. But that was the old me. Thanks to your inspirational comedy, tomorrow morning, the new me is going to enroll at Professor Beano’s Comedy School of Love.”

And so the half-man/half-goat did enroll into Professor Beano’s Comedy School of Love. And four years later he graduated as Mr. Funny-Man, and used his comedy to save the world from coveting and cannibalism. (But that’s another story, for another time.)


... THE END OF THIS STORY!!!!!

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15. Art Is All Around Us, Even On Our Shoes
by Stud Manly


Stephanie was a nice young lady. She was in her early twenties, recently graduated from college with a degree in liberal arts. She was still living with her parents, trying to figure out what to do with her life. She wanted to be involved in the arts somehow, and she also wanted to make the world a better place. She saw herself, in ten years, promoting the book she’d written about her achievements. (She planned on getting a lot done in those ten years.)

As she exited the gym where she worked out almost everyday - she appeared in front of her destiny. Sitting on the curb, wearing dirty clothes, sketching onto a spiral notebook, was a homeless man. When he looked up at her with his piercing blue eyes she knew she was looking into the eyes of a brilliant artist.

“Do you have any change?” the homeless man asked.

“No. But I will pay you $20.00 for that piece once you’ve finished it.”

“I just finished it,” the homeless man quickly decided, ripping the picture from his grungy spiral notebook.

He looked at his crisp, new $20.00 bill, wondering if he should use it to buy some food (and, maybe, a cheap magazine with pictures of naked women in it) before trying to locate his drug dealer. Stephanie looked at the artwork she’d just purchased - which consisted of diagonal lines which intersected with other diagonal lines. She knew it would take her hours of concentrated study to comprehend everything those diagonal lines had to say. “What is your name?’ she asked him.

“Sam.”

“My name is Stephanie. I am so glad to meet you.”

She was thinking about how she would use her parent’s money to sponsor Sam, opening up an art gallery for him, not only getting him off the street, but making him rich and famous. Perhaps she would start a commune somewhere for homeless artists of all types.

He was thinking about how he wished he’d stolen some deodorant the last time he was allowed into a store. He was checking Stephanie out. He hadn’t been with a woman in ten years. Stephanie was wearing a tank top and short-shorts. He could make out her firm buttocks. His crusty wiener was starting to stiffen.

“You should really do something with your art,” she told him.

“An artist’s only concern is truth,” he said, as he was trying to visualize her areolas in his mind.

“That is so profound,” she said, wondering what actors would portray her and Sam in the movie. Sam was wondering if maybe there was a chance of a long-term relationship with this girl. He opened his fly and pulled out his wiener. “Look at this,” he said.

Stephanie ignored what he was doing with his penis. She was telling him that she realized and understood that artists weren’t like normal people.

Seconds later Sam ejaculated on her brand new tennis shoes, and she decided to never again attempt to help the homeless.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: “It is better to sell art to the naive, than to ejaculate unsolicitedly on the innocent..”

... The End Of This Story!!!

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14. Dominant Lesbians In Love
by Stud Manly

Everybody knows that lesbians are separated into two distinct categories: One kind of lesbian is The Lipstick Lesbian; lipstick lesbians are lesbians who behave in a feminine manner, and wear lipstick. The other kind of lesbian is what is known as The Dominant Lesbian; dominant lesbians behave in a less feminine manner, don’t wear lipstick, have short hair, and carry around a lot keys.

Usually, a lipstick lesbian will have a dominant lesbian lover. Sometimes, a lipstick lesbian might take another lipstick lesbian as her lover. Frequently, lesbians fall in love. Rarely, does a dominant lesbian take another dominant lesbian as a lover. Never, do dominant lesbians fall in love with each other... Or so YOU thought.....

Debbie Flankston is a dominant lesbian who hangs out in a Seattle lesbian bar called The Pink Carpet. Debbie has always considered herself to be the most dominant lesbian at The Pink Carpet. Her hair has always been shorter. And she’s always had the most impressive key ring.

One night she was making a play for a mousy, yet manipulative, lipstick lesbian. Debbie had been buying her drinks all night, and was just about to ask her if she wanted to get a room and rub their vaginas together, when, suddenly, another dominant lesbian came over to their table. Debbie knew all the competition, but she’d never seen this woman before. The stranger’s hair was actually shorter than her own, and there were more keys on her key-ring.

The stranger smiled at the mousy lipstick lesbian. “Would you like to dance?”

“She’s with me,” Debbie said, getting up from her chair, ready to fight. (It is a well-known fact that dominant lesbians love to fight.)

Debbie was surprised by the stranger’s response, “I’m sorry. I thought you were sisters. You look so much alike. The same good facial bone structure. And pretty eyes. I didn’t mean any disrespect.” The stranger calmly walked back to the bar.

Debbie Flankston had never been told she had good facial bone structure, or pretty eyes before. The only compliment she’d ever received before was when someone told her that her vagina smelled like it had been douche-ed recently. Debbie was incredibly flattered by the stranger’s words. (The mousy lipstick lesbian, on the other hand, ran out of the bar, crying; insulted that her facial bone structure had been compared to the facial bone structure of a dominant lesbian’s. Some say she converted to heterosexuality after that night.)

By closing time all the lipstick lesbians had successfully been seduced by the dominant lesbians of their choice. There were only two customers leaving alone. Two dominant lesbians. Debbie Flankston, and the stranger who’d told her she had a good bone structure and pretty eyes. Debbie followed the stranger outside.

“Good night” Debbie said as she walked, slowly, towards her dual-wheel pick-up truck.

“Good night,” the stranger responded. Then after a second added, “I guess we’re the only two who didn’t get lucky tonight.”

“I guess not.” Then after a second, “Hey, did you really mean it when you said I had good facial bone structure, and pretty eyes?’

“I never say anything I don’t mean. Not even when I’m working pussy.”

“We’ve both had a few drinks. What the hell... What do you think, let’s get a room, and rub our vaginas together.”

It had never crossed either of their minds, until that night, to rub vaginas with another dominant lesbian. But thirty minutes later they were in a hotel room. They were both surprised at how long and hard and passionate their first kiss was. They began to undress each other.

Naked, they lay down, their vaginas facing each other... Confusion... Indecision... To get their beavers together, gracefully and romantically - between four chubby legs - would require precision-point maneuvering. Someone would have to take charge.

One of them made a suggestion how they should position themselves. The other one made a counter suggestion. They were both set in their ways. Each suggestion was met with a counter suggestion. They tried to be nice. But eventually suggestions were replaced by commands. “Nobody tells me which leg I’m supposed to lift when I’m mashing beaver,” one of them said.

After a few minutes they were both out of the mood.

Debbie Flankston still hangs out at The Pink Carpet. So does The Stranger. Of course the stranger is no longer a stranger to The Pink Carpet. All the lesbians (including Debbie) know her name. Her name is Jackie Thighbone.

Debbie and Jackie see each other all the time at The Pink Carpet. They never speak, other than maybe a polite, “Hello.” But they watch each other when they are around each other. And they think about each other when they are not around each other. Neither of them realizing that the other regrets being less submissive on the night they’d fallen in love.

.... THE END OF THIS STORY!!!!

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13. the Foreskin of Life
by Stud Manly

By the year 2050 every Jew in the world had moved to Israel. By the year 2051 the President of Israel, Finkelsteen Finkelstine, went mad with power. After declaring himself Emperor of Israel, he put forth a law that “All males in Israel are hereby ordered to remain completely naked at all times, so that God can view each gloriously circumcised Jewish penis without having to use his x-ray vision.”

Eventually Emperor Finkelsteen Finkelstine grew tired of seeing only naked men every time he looked out his bedroom window, and decided to put forth a law that all women should be naked all the time too. (Citizens of Israel weren’t even allowed to cover themselves at night with a blanket or sheet.)

Norman Normberg was a skinny Jew man, with skinny arms and skinny legs. But what nobody had realized until they saw him naked all the time was that he had an abnormally fat penis. His penis was as fat as one of his legs. And his penis had not been circumcised, meaning his extremely fat penis had an overabundance of foreskin.

Norman Normberg was mocked and laughed at by his once friendly neighbors after they’d discovered he had a fat non-circumcised penis. They would say things to Norman like, “I’ve never seen such a fat non-circumcised penis,” or “I could feed my entire family with all the schmegma under that foreskin.” One of his female neighbors (whom Norman began to dislike immensely) would say things like, “I couldn’t even fit that fat schlong of your’s in my dainty little mouth. And such a foreskin.. Oyvay.... “

No proper Jew wanted anything to do with a man exposing such a fat non-circumcised penis. Norman wanted to be like all the other Jew males. He’d been begging Rabbis to circumcise him since he was a small boy. But when Rabbis saw his penis they would refuse him, telling him they wouldn’t feel comfortable handling such a fat schlong.

The winter of 2051 produced the coldest cold front in the history of Israel. Jews were freezing to death by the minute since they weren’t allowed to cover their naked bodies. One of Norman’s neighbors (the very same woman who used to mock Norman’s fat penis and unnecessary foreskin) gave premature birth to infant twins. A teeny-weeny boy and teeny-weeny girl. Norman hated the mother of these children, but could not bring himself to hate her innocent offspring. Once the mother froze to death Norman blanketed the two babies snugly under his thick foreskin to keep them warm.

By the time the cold front had passed- every Jew in Israel had frozen to death; except for two. The teeny weeny boy and the teeny weeny girl who’d been kept warm by Norman’s foreskin.

As soon as the brother and sister were old enough - God told them their names “Adam Jr., and Eve Jr. And then God told them to, “Start a new race of Jews.” And they copulated and begat life. And God gave them an 11th commandment: “Thou shallt not circumcise thine foreskin.” And so it was written.

... THE END OF THIS STORY!!!

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12. The Tenebrous Journey of Pinky the Peanut
by Stud Manly

Pinky the Peanut lived on a magnificent peanut tree with his hundreds of brother and sister peanuts. The siblings didn’t know who their parents were; but they were sure that their parents loved them whole-heartedly... Pinky the Peanut lived a happy and care-free life..

AND THE SHE-GOD-OF-DANCE danced THE DANCE OF INCREDIBLE HAPPINESS!!!

But what Pinky, nor his brother and sister peanuts realized was - that not far away from their magnificent peanut tree home - were African-American slaves who were forced to pick cotton, and who were beaten by their white masters...

... and there was gnashing of teeth; and there was forced sodomy, and forced bestiality...

AND THE SHE-GOD-OF-DANCE danced THE DANCE OF IRONIC FORESHADOWING!!!

One day an African-American slave (who loved doing things with peanuts), named George Washington Carver, climbed up that magnificent peanut tree, and picked every peanut off of it. Including Pinky.

But there was a small hole in one of the the moonshine jugs George Washington Carver stuffed all those peanuts into; and Pinky (who was the smallest peanut there ever was) fell through that hole to the ground...

Pinky the Peanut was all alone...

AND THE SHE-GOD-OF-DANCE danced THE DANCE OF UNBEARABLE SADNESS!!!

One must always ask one’s self, “What is real, and what is reality?” Because it wasn’t long before Pinky found himself at a fork in the road; and it was there that he met THE MYSTICAL BABY-MAN OF LIFE...

AND THE SHE-GOD-OF-DANCE danced THE DANCE OF THE MALE INNER-CHILD!!!

After defecating behind some bushes, Pinky decided to hitch-hike to Nut-Town, Mississippi...

In Nut-Town, Mississippi - the local discount store was run by Sam Walnut and his family. The local pizzeria was owned by a family of pistachio nuts... etc... etc

Pinky entered a saloon to buy a cold beer (and perhaps some sour mash whiskey). The bar was populated by working class cashew nuts.

But Pinky couldn’t help but notice the Brazil Nut who’d been hung to death over the bar.

Pinky asked the barkeep, “Hey Barkeep, what’s with the Brazil Nut who’s been hung to death over the bar?”

The Barkeep responded, “Greenhorn, we don’t call them-types Brazil Nuts in these parts. In these parts - we calls them types NEGRO TOES!”

AND THE SHE-GOD-OF-DANCE danced THE DANCE OF ULTRA-PASSIONATE ANTI-RACISM!!!

Disillusioned by life, Pinky became a cocaine addict, and ended up in an illegal brothel in Nevada.

The host of the brothel lined up all the whores for Pinky to make his choice.

Pinky made his choice - a beautiful African-American woman. They went to her room to fornicate...

AND THE SHE-GOD-OF -DANCE danced THE DANCE OF NEVER-BEFORE KNOWN LUST!!!

Ironically, (there’s that word again) the whore Pinky chose was none other than the daughter of George Washington Carver. And they fell in love. And they were married.

And George Washington Carver was so happy to have Pinky the Peanut as his son in law, he decided he would make sure that all of Pinky’s brothers and sisters (whom he’d picked off that magnificent peanut tree) would spend the rest of their eternity together as a family. So George Washington Carver invented the world’s largest peanut butter sandwich...

AND THE SHE-GOD-OF-DANCE danced THE DANCE OF LOVE, AND OF MARRIAGE, AND FAMILY TOGETHERNESS!!!

...THE END OF THIS STORY!!!!

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11. Stud Manly Hires a Mummy
by Stud Manly

Stud Manly is always thinking outside of the box. The following story is a perfect example:

You, the reader, might or might not be aware that Stud Manly owns a famous, yet, secret museum (The Secret Museum Of Intellectual History); 100% of the museum’s proceeds going for scientific research, for a cancer so rare that few people have ever been aware of it’s existence.

Sometimes, just to get his mind off his many other successes, Stud Manly will travel to other parts of the globe to discover historical artifacts for his museum. On one such trip to Egypt he discovered an ancient mummy’s tomb. One of his assistants, a native named Etep, was overcome by greed when he saw the priceless jewels of the tomb. But as soon as he attempted to pilfer the smallest of rubies, the mummy came to life and strangled Etep dead.

Knowing that museum management had been unsuccessful employing quality security officers, Stud Manly hired the mummy on the spot, and brought him back to the States. The mummy was given a freshly pressed uniform, and a badge.

Security Officer Mummy was the best guard the museum ever had. He never fell asleep on duty even though he worked 24 hours a day, 5 days a week. He didn’t even need to take restroom breaks since his penis had completely withered away, and his intestines had been removed 3000 years earlier. And he had no qualms about strangling anybody who attempted to steal valuable ancient artifacts.

But with success comes temptation. Officer Mummy had gained something of a celebrity status as one of the 100 best security guards in the western hemisphere. It was just a matter of time until groupies started supplying him with drugs. Officer Mummy became a meth addict, and his work began to suffer.

But, being a great man, Stud Manly always knows how to turn a negative into a positive. Knowing that all ancient Egyptian mummies’s brains had been sucked-out through their noses - Stud Manly ordered the powdered brain of a brilliant German scientist shipped in from Switzerland. After signing for receipt of the delivery, Stud Manly disguised himself as a meth dealer, and sold the powdered brain to Officer Mummy (telling him that it was Grade-A Methamphetamine flown in directly from India).

Officer Mummy greedily snorted-up the powdered German brain, instantly becoming a genius of scientific research. Hours later he discovered the cure for a cancer so rare that few people ever knew it even existed.

... THE END OF THIS STORY!!!

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10. Stud Manly Saves a Quadriplegic Child
by Stud Manly

Stud Manly loves all people. But mostly handicapped children. This insight about Stud Manly reminds me of a particular day when he was throwing a party for handicapped children in Central Park, when suddenly, a flying giant descended from the clouds with a mighty thud.

With two fingers, the giant picked up a 3 year old quadriplegic girl, and then whooshed back towards the heavens with her.

The quadriplegic child’s mother cried out, “Somebody please save my quadriplegic child from that horrible giant!!!”

Stud Manly didn’t have a second to lose. He absconded a pogo stick from a young hoodlum, and then blasted himself after the giant. 200 feet in the air, Stud Manly latched onto the flying giant’s left shoe string. Moments later he was inside the giant’s modest one bedroom cabin. He made his presence known to the giant, “I’m here to take that quadriplegic child back to her mother!”

“How dare you insult me in my home. For that I will eat you.” And then the great giant snatched-up Stud Manly, and was ready to swallow him up in one gulp, when a female giant (obviously the giant’s wife) ran over to the giant, grabbed the quadriplegic child, and starting kissing the child’s tiny face with her giant lips. Stud Manly then noticed the decaying skeletons of dozens of other quadriplegic human children on the kitchen floor. And he understood completely...

“I see your wife really loves children. Doesn’t she have any children of her own?”

The giant answered sadly, “My wife is everything to me, and I give her everything she wants, except for what she needs most; which is a child-seed. I’m sterile as well as impotent, you should know. The best I can do for her is to lunge down to Earth every once in a while to grab a human child that she can pretend is her own, until it becomes too troublesome. And then we eat it. I make it a point to steal handicapped children because they typically lack quality escape skills.”

Stud Manly then said, “If I give your wife a baby of her own, would you release the quadriplegic girl you just took from her mother?”

“I would do anything to make my dear wife happy,” the giant answered.

“But you must promise me that your wife will love the child I give her with an unconditional love, and not eat it once it becomes too troublesome.”

“You have my word,” the giant promised.

The giant carried Stud Manly into the bedroom. The giant’s wife was hesitant at first, until Stud Manly took off his clothes, and flashed her a seductive wink. She then quickly lifted up her dress, and yanked off her big white giant-lady panties, and spread her legs... Looking at the giant crevice, Stud Manly knew it wouldn’t be easy. Using concentration techniques he’d learned from the far east Stud Manly’s penis became so overly blood-engorged that he became light-headed. She squealed when he entered her. Her husband lovingly held her hand as Stud Manly sensually thrusted. (With his other hand, the giant touched himself with a passion that made his impotence a distant memory.)

The second Stud Manly was finished, he had his doctor friend, Dr. Doongy, flown up on a space shuttle to decide whether Stud Manly’s powerful ejaculations had reached their target. Doctor Doongy declared that, “Not only is this female giant pregnant; but it is my personal scientific opinion that she will be having triplets.”

Having done his duty, Stud Manly was given a parachute by the happy giant couple; and he floated back down to Earth, carrying the quadriplegic child in his masculine arms.

... THE END OF THIS STORY!!!

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9. Men Have Penises
by Stud Manly

Jeb Jolly had always been thought of as a man’s man. He’d played middle linebacker for his high school football team. As a man he worked construction, and guzzled beer; just as all the other men in his family had done since the 16th century.

It was in The Blue Armadillo Tavern he met a woman named Trula Muhler. She’d also come from a family of man’s men. After a short conversation, Trula and Jeb knew they were destined to be married and start their own family.

Just as planned, nine months after their wedding, Trula gave birth to a son. They named him Jeb Jr.

Jeb Sr. and Trula could no longer ignore their growing suspicions about Jeb Jr, when at the age of five, they sent him off to summer camp; only to be sent home the next day after The Camp Director caught him giggling as older boys were cramming pine-cones up his rectum.

Jeb Sr. blamed Trula for their son being a sissy. Trula blamed Jeb Sr. The fights evolved from arguing and accusations into physical assaults. One night Jeb Sr. awoke to discover his wife attempting to set him on fire. In self-defense he beat Trula to death with a baseball bat.

Jeb Sr. was sentenced to a life in prison. His son was forced to live with scummy foster parents.

Adapting to prison-life, Jeb Sr. began butt-raping the other inmates. He’d been in prison for 20 years when one day he was given a new cell-mate; a much younger man, with a promising-looking ass.

“Prepare to be butt-raped,” Jeb Sr. announced to his new cell-mate.

The younger man responded, “The only butt that’s going to get raped around here is your’s, old man.”

The fight was fierce and bloody. Some say it lasted longer than two hours. Finally, it was Jeb Jolly Sr. who found himself on his knees, with his proud virgin asshole being trespassed against. He’d never felt so humiliated.... Until he was informed that the young man who’d just finished butt-raping him was none other than his own son. Jeb Jolly Jr.

Afterwards they cried and hugged each other in a manly way, and were cell-mates for ever after.

.... THE END OF THIS STORY!!!

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8. Camel Toe
by Stud Manly

She was known as The Camel Toe Lady. Nobody seemed to know what her real name was, or where she lived. What was known about her was that she spent a great deal of time at the McDonald’s restaurant in Hollywood, California (at Sunset and Vine); eating lots of items from the dollar menu. When she wasn’t chewing or swallowing - she was breathing loudly through her mouth, hating the universe, initiating eye contact with the other customers, daring them not to stare at her massive and blobbish camel toe.

She wasn’t an obese women. But she was slothful and sloppy. She could have hidden her camel toe by wearing a dress; instead she fitted herself into pink stretch pants every day. And she didn’t sit at a table like normal folks; she angled away from the table, exposing her full frontal personage to the other patrons; her camel toe hanging over her chair, almost touching the floor.

Bill (last name withheld) had decided to go into business for himself. Instead of starting a business from scratch he decided it would be easier, and less risky, to buy a franchise. A McDonald’s franchise. He would open a McDonald’s restaurant in a prime location; in Hollywood California, at Sunset and Vine. One of the first customers who ever walked into his location was a lady with a mis-proportionately-sized camel toe. And she would continue to come back day after day.

Bill’s customers would complain about the camel toe lady, saying that her oversized camel toe was making them lose their appetites. Parents complained that their innocent children might lose their faith in society from being in such a close proximity to a camel toe of that size. Many complained of the strange odors emitting from the intrusive mass.

Bill had politely and delicately asked the camel toe lady (on a couple of occasions) if she would consider patronizing the nearby Jack In The Box. The camel toe lady refuted that she was a paying customer, and if discriminated against - she would notify every journalist in Hollywood. Bill couldn’t afford bad publicity. He had to figure out a way to keep the camel toe lady from ruining his business.

There are a lot of runaway teens in Hollywood, California. There were two runaway teens whom Bill, daily, had to chase-out of his restaurant for pestering his customers for money. The two boys were typical Hollywood runaways. Obnoxious and smelly. They were surprised when Bill invited them to join him for a free lunch of hamburgers, french fries, milk shakes, and a hot apple pie each.

That night, following Bill’s instructions to the letter, the two runaway teens shadowed the camel toe lady after retiring from McDonald’s for the night. On a poorly illuminated street they attacked, bludgeoning her skull with lead pipes. Once she was dead, in order to prevent police from discovering her identity, they chopped off her head, and camel toe - which they would bury, at separate locations, many miles away.

Bill had promised the Hollywood runway teens one free value meal (apiece), per day, for an entire week, after killing the camel toe lady and then disposing of her head and camel toe. But when they came to collect their first meal, Bill told them, “Get the hell out of my restaurant. If you ever come back - I’ll call the police and tell them you killed that poor woman.”

Runaway teens are known to hold a grudge. Especially Hollywood runaway teens. They worked for 5 days and 5 nights, without sleep, panhandling enough money to hire the services of a witch doctor. They led the witch doctor to the spot where they’d buried the camel toe.

That night, just after midnight, Bill had just eased himself into bed, snuggled under his covers, ready for a peaceful night of sleep... when he heard a unwelcome noise come from his bedroom closet....

“Queeeeeeeeeeefffffff.”

It was a noise he hadn’t heard in a while; but a noise he’d heard often while he was married. (It was the same sound air made when spurted from a squeezable ketchup bottle.) He heard it again. “QUEEEEEEFFFFFFFF..” Louder this time. Followed by an odor he recognized too well.

The closet door opened.

Bill screamed in horror as the camel toe, slowly and smellingly, queefed it’s way towards him.

... THE END OF THIS STORY!

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7. Orgy At Mike’s House
by Stud Manly

There is an orgy at Mike’s house
Everyone will be coming............

I arrive and take off my clothes
my perfectly-shaped penis looks for new friends

I see naked people whom I’ve never seen before
I also see naked people whom I do know

Betty Bukake is here
She is surrounded by men who coat her face with their liquid selfishness...
A man confuses Betty Bukake with her twin sister Jap-Scat Jane
he poops on her face
nobody is happy with the result

AIDS-Butt Andy is here
He shows up at all the orgies
His presence makes everybody uncomfortable
Maybe he should find another hobby

Mike, the host, is old and feeble, yet extremely horny..
He suffers a heart-attack, while getting a hand-job, and dies
Everybody is too busy to move Mike’s corpse out of sight

An opportunistic necrophiliac begins to have his way with Mike’s dead body
I wish somebody would tell that necrophiliac to leave Mike alone
(I can’t help but wonder how that necrophiliac would have occupied his time had Mike not died)

There are celebrities at this orgy too..

George Michael is masturbating in the corner
Rosie O’Donnell refuses to put her clothes on, and leave
Kobe Bryant is here; he doesn’t seem to understand the spirit of the orgy though; maybe somebody should tell him he doesn’t need to rape orgy-women.

I see a frightened gerbil running for cover..
Richard Gere must be nearby

I see Stephen Hawking too...
He is naked like the rest of us; yet he looks out of place.....
I wonder what he is thinking.......

.......THE END OF THIS STORY.

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6. the Tree, the Hippy, and the Condor
by Stud Manly

Just outside the University of California Berkeley football stadium was an old, old tree which had been living in that spot for hundreds of years. The newest college president decided the tree needed to be chopped down, to be replaced with a special parking lot; as an incentive to entice highly-recruited high school football players to play for the university.

Since the mid 1960's the old tree had been a favorite hang-out for hippies to smoke marijuana cigarettes, and philosophize for hours about the cause and effect of action. The old tree was also the home of a female condor which hippies had named Mildred.

The college president promised the hippies that the tree would be chopped into fire wood for homeless Eskimos, and that Mildred would be captured (most tenderly) and then shipped to an enclosed sanctuary which was managed by animal-loving lesbians. The hippies were not satisfied with the college president’s plan. One hippy in particular. A 37 year old sophomore known as The Puffer. The other hippies were surprised to see someone as laid-back as The Puffer to take matters into his own hands. He climbed the tree, declaring it as his home, daring it to be knocked down, claiming he would sue the college for 50 million dollars if any of his bones were broken when the tree crashed to the ground.

Sleeping on tree branches was no problem for The Puffer. He’d realized at an early age he could sleep anywhere at anytime, and took great pride in his sleeping prowess. At first, other hippies would bring The Puffer marijuana cigarettes, and bottles of Dr. Pepper, and Cheetos cheese puffs, and cupcakes, and occasionally a sandwich, or a piece of meat. But after a few days, the other hippies got tired of sharing their pot, and munchies, and started hanging out elsewhere. But The Puffer was determined. Having no marijuana cigarettes to smoke he decided to give up pot cold turkey. He quenched his thirst by licking the morning dew off the leaves of his new home. He ate green caterpillars, and an occasional lizard, or any larvae he came across.

Initially, Mildred was uncomfortable with The Puffer’s presence in the tree she’d always called home. But after many weeks she grew used to him. And after a few months they become lovers.

Mildred would leave the tree for a few hours at a time, but she always came back with something for The Puffer to eat. Like a mouse, or thick juicy worms.

On day The Puffer noticed his lover was pregnant. He’d never thought of himself as father material. He’d always thought of himself as something of a slacker. But he now considered himself to be a man of action. A crusader for environmental efforts. A leader by example. And he would proudly take on the responsibility of being a father no matter how freaky-looking his offspring might be.

Mildred laid three eggs. When she left the nest to go hunting, The Puffer would tenderly sit on the eggs to keep them warm. A life-long passivist - he fought off crows and hawks and snakes with nothing more than a father’s love.

But when the eggs hatched, The Puffer was shocked to see the hatchlings looked nothing like him. In a jealous rage, he strangled Mildred, and then climbed down from the tree and set it on fire, killing the tree as well as the three hatchlings.

The Puffer was sued by the college president for 50 million dollars (for destroying college property). And with that 50 million dollars was built a special parking lot for highly recruited football players.

The moral of this story is: “College athletics is more important than hippies!”

.... THE END OF THIS STORY.

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5. The Monster Who Wore Adult Diapers
by Stud Manly


There was once a mean and ugly monster named Marty. Even though Marty was mean and ugly he couldn’t scare anybody because he suffered from premature defecation, and had to wear adult diapers.

Small children laughed at Marty when he tried to scare them because he looked so silly in his adult diapers. He could never sneak up on a child and say “BOO” because the aroma of his poopy diaper would always give him away.

Children used to sing this song about Marty:

Marty Marty Marty
you smell so farty
we are not scared of you
because your diaper’s filled with doo doo

Marty hated being laughed at, and being sung about in an unflattering way; and decided to cross over the border to Mexico to find a Mexican doctor who could replace his old poopy anus with a new and improved anus, so he wouldn’t have to wear adult diapers anymore.

He located a Mexican doctor in Tijuana who claimed he could replace his anus for $300.00 (plus tax), and a bottle of tequila. Unfortunately for Marty - the Mexican doctor drank the entire bottle of tequila during the operation, and accidentally replaced Marty’s anus with a clown mouth (with big red lips).

That night when Marty’s wife attempted to cork his anus (as she usually did before they made love) she discovered Marty’s anus had been replaced by a clown mouth. “Could you please brush my teeth for me?” the clown mouth begged her.

Feeling like she no longer knew her husband, she packed her bags and moved back in with her mother.

No longer needing adult diapers, Marty became the scariest monster in his region. But he was all alone, and had nobody to share his success with.

The moral of this story is:

“People who love you don’t care about the condition of your anus as long as you brush and floss.”

... THE END OF THIS STORY.


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4. ADDICTED TO MATH
by Stud Manly

Otis Girt worked as a janitor at Lower-South-Side Elementary School. One Friday night he went to the movies and saw “Good Will Hunting,” which is about a janitor who became known as a mathematical genius. So Otis decided he wanted to become known as a janitor/math genius too.

He started spending all his free time trying to think of new mathematical equations. One day he decided to make a mathematical equation about his penis when it became erect. He couldn’t wait to share his newest discovery with others, so he took a purple crayon and wrote down his new mathematical equation on his erection, and then showed it to a first grader with red hair and freckles named Penelope Johnston.

A few months later Otis was sent to prison. The Warden hated math, and wouldn’t allow any of the prisoners to work on mathematical equations. The only math Otis Girt was allowed - was to count down his days of imprisonment.

The moral of the story is:

“Math does you no good in prison.”
...and...
“Little girls shouldn’t learn math by the length of an erection.”

...THE END OF THIS STORY

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3. The Girl With Long, Skinny Feet
by Stud Manly

Mabel Blabel was born with extremely long feet. They were also extremely skinny. As an infant her feet were way too long and skinny for baby shoes, so her mother wrapped each of her feet in a separate baby blanket to keep them warm. When she turned three years old - she had to cram her feet into her father’s only pair of dress shoes when her parents took her into a public restaurant (which required it’s patrons to wear shoes). By the time she was eleven - her feet were so long and skinny her parents commissioned a high-priced cobbler from Denmark to craft her wooden shoes long enough to fit her feet into.

Kids in school relentlessly made fun of the length and the width of her feet. But that did not stop her from dreaming about a future when she would someday marry a handsome man with a good job and sexy feet.

But all through high school no boys ever asked her out on a date. Not even to homecoming or the prom. In college all her friends were always having fun, and having sex with college boys. No college boys ever asked Mabel to have sex.

The day Mabel graduated college she packed all her belongings into one of her shoe boxes and moved to Haiti (where she’d heard that Haitian women were prone to have long skinny feet, yet still found men to love them). Arriving in Haiti, she saw for herself that Haitian women did have long skinny feet. But not nearly as long and as skinny as her own. Even the women in Haiti made fun of the length and the width of her feet.

Seeing no alternative, Mabel took her shoe box (containing all her worldly possessions), and moved deep into the forest so nobody could see her feet. She sat down on a rock and started to cry.

“Why are you crying?” she heard a voice say. She was surprised to discover that the voice belonged to a friendly-smiling snake who was wearing a wool sock on his head for a hat.

Mabel responded, “I’m crying because I have long skinny feet, with toes that look like fingers. I’ll never attract a handsome husband with a good job and sexy feet if I don’t have sexy feet myself.”

“Don’t be sad about having unattractive feet,” said the snake. “At least you have feet. I was born without any feet. And no legs either, if you want to be specific about the matter. I used to cry myself to sleep every night about not having any feet. All I ever wanted out of life was to have some feet, so I could put warm fuzzy socks on them. But I finally had to grow-up and realize that I was born with a unique body type (which doesn’t include the having of feet). So I decided to console myself by wearing warm fuzzy socks on my head. And I haven’t cried myself to sleep since.”

Enraged by (what she considered to be) the worst advice she’d ever heard, Mabel picked-up the rock she’d been sitting on, and smashed in the snake’s skull. “How dare you give such bad advice to an impressionable young lady,” Mabel screamed as she repeatedly struck the snake with the rock. She then roasted the snake over an open fire for dinner. (She used the snake’s sock/hat to wipe herself after using the restroom.)

The very next day Mabel took off all her clothes to bathe in the river. It was at this time that she bumped into a naked man who was also about to bathe in the river. She didn’t pay attention to the man’s private parts. Her eyes immediately focused in on the man’s face (which was fairly attractive), and then to his feet. The naked man’s feet were the shortest and fattest feet she had ever seen. In fact, his feet were so short there was no room for an arch, causing him to have to walk on his tippy-toes. Mabel had to use all her concentration to refrain from vomiting at the sight of the naked’s man feet.

Politely, the naked man did not vomit at the sight of Mabel’s long skinny feet either. He introduced himself. “Hi, my name is Arnold. I just moved into the forest today.”

Mabel said “Hi,” but didn’t bother to offer him her name. She had no interest in a man with unsexy feet, with no arches.

For years Mabel and Arnold lived by that river, 100 feet away from each other, never speaking to one another. Both lonely. Both miserable.

One day Mabel was feeling hungry. Her hunger reminded her how good the snake (who wore a sock on his head) had tasted. As she’d grown older, she felt more and more guilty about killing and eating the snake. And no matter how hungry she was, she’d promised herself it would be bad karma to ever roast and eat a snake, ever again.

As she was picking berries for dinner, she noticed Arnold through the bushes, a few feet away. He was naked again, on the river bank, bending over washing his feet. She didn’t pay any attention to his feet ths time though. She noticed that Arnold’s naked buttocks muscles were nicely toned, and his crack wasn’t overly hairy. Arnold’s bottom helped Mabel recall the last words of the friendly-smiling snake.

“Hi, Arnold.” Mabel’s unexpected presence, caused Arnold to jump. He instinctively covered-up his privates.

“Oh, hi. I didn’t know you were there. I was just washing some bug guts off my feet.”

“My name is Mabel. And I was wondering if maybe you would you like to go on a date with me sometime?” Mabel asked.

On their wedding day Mabel learned that it was the friendly smiling (and wise) snake (with the sock on his head) who’d advised Arnold to move into the forest. Mabel and Arnold are still together, and at night they rub each other’s feet with lotion, and when they make love they lovingly force themselves to get-off by groping each other’s feet, and sucking on the other’s toes.
...THE END OF THIS STORY

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2. JOHN
(the Inbred Cousin of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer)
by Stud Manly


It is common knowledge to those who live at the North Pole that Rudolph’s red glowy nose is a result of inbreeding. It is also common knowledge (to those who reside in Christmas-Town) that Rudolph’s last name is Mellings. The Mellings clan continues (to this day) to ferociously breed amongst themselves.
Mellings reindeer are usually easy to distinguish among other reindeer: Mellings all have various red-glowing parts: Rudolph (the most famous Melling has a red-glowing nose. Patricia Melling (Rudolph’s mother/aunt/sister) has red-glowing earlobes. Melbourne Mellings (Rudolph’s brother/uncle/cousin) has red glowing eyeballs (which some say help him pick-up females in bars (usually family members).

And then there is John Mellings (Rudolph’s first cousin/second cousin/and some say third cousin if you wish to believe that). John Mellings has a red-glowing penis-head.
Though the Mellings clan are dedicated in-breeders, they have also always been very religious. I can’t say for sure which specific religion they follow, but I can tell you that the one thing that all religions have in common is that they believe homosexuality is wrong. All Mellings have always been totally against homosexuality. Including Rudolph (the red-nosed reindeer) Mellings. And including John (the red-pecker-headed reindeer) Mellings.

Another fact that those who don’t live in Christmas-Town probably are not aware of is that 72.1 % of all toy-making elves are flaming homosexuals. For years gay elves have been fighting for the right to marry each other like the heterosexual elves of Christmas-Town have always had the right to do.

John Mellings was one of the leading members of the movement to keep gay elves from having the right to marry each other. John Mellings’s once even planned to assassinate an elf name Brandon Buttringer; an artisan-maker of 9 inch wooden toy economy cars. Brandon Buttringer has, for years, been one of the leading spokesmen for gay elves’ rights..

It was during the time of his planning to assassinate Brandon Buttringer, that, one night, when John was sodomizing his high-school sweetheart Terry Mellings - when his right front hoof accidentally discovered Terry Melling’s large throbbing penis.

John was devastated and told Terry he never wanted to see him again. But after a few days John realized he missed Terry’s laugh. He missed talking with Terry. He missed sharing small moments, and small pleasures with Terry (like sodomizing Terry’s pouting and puckery rectum)..

John realized that he didn’t love Terry any less because he had a penis!

And when The Rights for Gay Elves Parade was to be canceled because of a blackout in downtown Christmas-town because the Co-Managers of Christmas-Town Lighting & Power (Joseph Smith and Josh Brolin) (who were ultra-extreme homo-haters) had turned off the power in the entire city to keep the gay elves from marching - John Mellings made a fateful decision.. He decided to lead The Rights For Gay Elves Parade through the dark streets of Christmas-Town with his proud and erect glowing red penis head lighting the way.

And though the gay elves did not win their right to marry each other as a result of that march - some of the elves did invite John to a celebration bash, and after much drinking, allowed him to sodomize their tight little elf anuses with his very special battle-weary penis.

THE END OF THIS STORY.....

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1. OVERDUE
(a frightening Halloween tale)
by Stud Manly

Sandra Johnson missed her period. Her husband was very excited. They both were hoping she was finally pregnant.

Sandra Johnson went to her Doctor to get a check-up.

But what Sandra Johnson found out that day wasn’t that she was pregnant. No. That’s not the reason she wasn’t menstruating.

SANDRA JOHNSON HAD A MIDGET VAMPIRE LIVING IN HER VAGINA!

...the end of this story


*all stories on this site are © copywritten by Stud Manly* (edited by Starlett Twinkle)

 

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